I look back at my life and I remember the joy and the satisfaction that I had in having Christ as my One and Only..the One who held my affections completely and who I went to first in all my decisions. Yet I feel like I've gotten lost somewhere and I don't know how to find my way back to the Lover of my Soul. My joy has been sucked out of me and I'm just waiting for the day when I can sit back and rest and my thoughts don't race from one thing to the next...hoping that one of those distractions will bring me satisfaction in this life. I'm realizing that although work, family, health, service, and friends are all good things given by the Lord, if they are above Him it can lead to so many dysfunctions like getting your identity from what you do, living for approval and being dependent on others for your worth and purpose in life. I really feel like the more I try to figure out how to get back on the straight and narrow, the more I complicate it by bringing in my human reasoning and analyzation into the mix. I LONG for acceptance, for love, for a sense of belonging, being part of something bigger than me, relationships that dig beneath the surface of superficiality, prayer that connects sinner/Savior, worship that flows spontaneously out of the human spirit, and a heart that is out-wardly focused towards other's needs. I know that I keep trying a myriad of other solutions to try to fill the void of loneliness in my spirit. I just feel displaced and somewhat wandering. Lost in a woods directionless looking pretty flowers that distract me from my bigger goal of finding my destination.

I was playing a song on the guitar by a band called Audio Adrenaline and the Lord spoke to me so clearly through the lyrics:

"It's a dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
Then you say, My child, my child
I am always near
I am by your side

I'd leave ninety-nine, Leave then all behind, to find you, For you alone.
I'd leave ninety-nine, Leave them all behind to find you...

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the blood and miry clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world could keep me away"



I think this song reminds me that while I'm frantically searching for fufillment for the void, He has always been right beside me. Waiting, hoping and anticipating the day when I would turn my affections toward Him rather than my other pursuits.

I found a song that I had written in a journal that reads:

"He could have busied Himself with the rulers of the world and the triumphs of this earth
and keeping the stars shining to their exact degree
But as I occupy myself with daily busy-ness
He is occupied with me.

Oh what love has poured
from the wounds of the King
Whose lips utter 3 simple words
Igniting my heart to sing

I love you, I need you, You're my only
Yes you're my only"


I think I'm discovering that in order to not have idols in my life, I need to spend time intentionally in prayer with my Creator. And that requires discipline, that I don't have but I know that He will give me the grace to move into that. Choosing to orient my day around an hour of meeting time with Jesus and letting His perspective of me and the world and His people, His sheep, wash over me...so I can face each day knowing that He is right beside me, cheering me on, giving me His approval and calling me beautiful. I want my eyes to be focused on His so that the only approval I crave is His. I want to purposely say NO to the over-indulgence that our culture screams at us as a means to fufillment and choose sacrifice and self-control with the Holy Spirit giving me the power to live abundantly on His riches. I need His help to wake up early and spend time with Him...to make Him a priority rather than an afterthought. I want to say no to the lies that scream that I will never be good enough and ask me What is wrong with me and send me into a cycle of fear, anxiety and indecision. I long for peace and a sound mind knowing that admist the changes, HE is in control and He always is FOR me and is working everything together for my good. (Rom 8:28) I want to know the TRUTH, not just pop-culture Christianity or what the preacher says on Sunday morning, but what it says in the Word and having the Holy Spirit open up MY eyes to what He is saying. Clarity. Objective. Reality. I long for eternity and purpose in the here and now and knowing that I don't have to control it but I can live my life surrendered to the Holy Spirit and He will make all things possible.

I'm so glad He found me.


I'm so ready to leave my pursuits and come running back into your arms Jesus. Thank you for pursuing me. You are so faithful. I love you.


Much love, 

Krissy